Week 1 rankings don’t mean much. Expect this to change dramatically by the end of May.

#1 Oreland Inn – Young and fast. If this were high school we’d all be trying to get her in the backseat of our parents’ Ford Taurus.

#2 McMenamin’s – This team continues to surprise, going undefeated including meaningless pre-season. How long will it take for league to figure out the rookie goaltender?

#3 Union Jacks – Should be #1 based on roster and attribute rankings, but do they know how to set an alarm clock for Sat before noon?

#4 Fatty’s – Surprisingly this team is winning despite having TWO Blackwoods on roster. This team should be an inspiration for the league, like Helen Keller who was both blind AND deaf but still turned out ok.

#5 City Tap House – Putting up an 8 spot on opening day would typically result in higher ranking, but doubts still remain about consistency of team’s offense. And defense. And goaltending.

#6 Cork Tavern – We’ve all seen the story before: Boy meets girl and fall in love. Girl gets knocked up out of wedlock and has abortion. Aborted fetus finds friends and plays on WSL hockey team with other aborted rejects.

#7 Jose Pistola’s – Bland jerseys could use some hot sauce to spice things up. Or sombreros.

#8 Magerks – Team survives pre-season and opening day without any deaths or arrests – should count in league standings. This gong show actually brings a gong with them to the rink.

#9 Murphy’s – League investigating whether Murphy’s ownership is placing bets against own team.

#10 Pub & Kitchen – One team has to be ranked last and the first week is probably a good time to do it. Prediction: either Murphy’s or P&K will earn their first win of the season this week.

Fuck these power rankings. Teams 1 through 3 are fucking geeks. Real men go hard until the fourth period. Bring booze To the games and stop getting rides from your parents

You’re mean.